Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Go the F**k to Sleep

I really need to thank our cousins Brian and Rejane for turning us on to what I will from this day forward refer to as the Best Children's Book of All Time. If you have even a dollop of a sense of humor and can get past the cursing, it won't be hard to understand why I feel such a strong sense of love for this piece of baby literature. But, if you need a few specifics, here they are:

  • It's downright hilarious and radically honest
  • It's a book for parents who live in the real world and aren't afraid of being a little politically incorrect
  • It puts into pretty rhyming words what parents are really thinking
  • And best of all, it's been narrated by Samuel L. Jackson (some of his best work if you ask me)
More than anything, it's entertaining and something any parent - new, old or expectant - can relate to. The story is below, and if you have the time (I might suggest not during the work day) to literally laugh out loud, check out Mr. Jackson narrating it. It doesn't get much better.

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear.
Please go the f**k to sleep.

The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddled down in the deep.
I'll read you one very last book if you swear
You'll go the f**k to sleep.

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run, and creep.
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullsh*t. Stop lying.
Lie the f**k down, my darling, and sleep.

The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.
The field mice, they make not a peep.
It's been thirty-eight minutes already.
Jesus Christ, what the f**k? Go to sleep.

All the kids from day care are in dreamland.
The froggie has made his leap.
Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom.
You know where you can go? The f**k to sleep.

The owls fly forth from the treetops.
Through the air, they soar and they sweep.
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.
For real, shut the f**k up and sleep.

The cubs and the lions are snoring,
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.
How is it that you can do all this other great sh*t
But you can lie the f**k down and sleep?

The seeds slumber beneath the earth now
And the crops that the farmers will reap.
No more questions. This interview's over.
I've got two words for you, kid: f**king sleep.

The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle.
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
F**k your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you sh*t.
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.

The flowers doze low in the meadows
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure, I'm a sh*tty-ass parent.
Stop f**king with me, please, and sleep.

The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing.
As I lie here and openly weep.
Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk.
Who the f**k cares? You're not gonna sleep.

The room is all I can remember.
The furniture crappy and cheap.
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.
As I nod the f**k off, and sleep.

Bleary and dazed I awaken
To find your eyes shut, so I keep
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away
And pray that you're f**king asleep.

We're finally watching our movie.
Popcorn's in the microwave. Beep.
Oh sh*t. Goddamn it. You've got to be kidding.
Come on, go the f**k back to sleep.

Samuel L. Jackson Narration

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